Good Night, Sweetheart

My answering machine showed one missed call….one new message.

It was about Her.

That was ten hours ago and now…only now am I letting my mind wrap around what my heart has cried out to the Lord…

HOW?

I do not ask Why..I know the why is a blessing that we can not understand…do not need to understand….but HOW?

The tears drop from my cheeks…my sleeve is as soiled as a runny-nosed child…CHILD! She is just a child the same age as my Pippi….

HOW?

I could prepare for death…God is good.

I could prepare my children for my death…God is a provider…But HOW?

HOW DO YOU PREPARE A FOUR YEAR OLD FOR DEATH?

When the hospice nurses arrive HOW do they tell that little girl that she is dying?  HOW do they explain she will not have another tea party with her friends? HOW do they not break down in tears?  HOW HOW HOW

She is my PIppi’s age…four years old….and she is dying.

I know the answer Boss Man would say….just tell her how it is…HOW Jesus is waiting for her…HOW she has a purpose on earth and when she completes it she gets to go to Heaven…How everything she needs to be full of joy will be prepared for her…How she will not be in pain anymore…How Mommy and Daddy will be there before she has time to miss them….How

I know all the right answers…still my head is pounding from holding in the sobs..my face caked with dried streams of salty tears..that continue to flow….and I hope that she will be one patient who walks away from hospice care…no, I want her to skip away from hospice care into her mother’s arms…to laugh at the joy of a miracle…a healing that only God can provide….and I know he will….she will be healed…either here with her family or in Heaven with her creator.

And now I feel better…having cried and put into words some of my emotion…but still tonight there is a mother sitting at her daughter’s death-bed praying for a miracle and that thought sends tremors through my body and clamps my throat so tight I wonder if it is stuck…and the tears they stream for the mother….it is the pain of the mother that I feel….and I can’t shake that she has to be strong for her daughter so tonight I share a tiny bit of her pain and cry tears for her….because the impending death of a child deserves more tears than one mother can ever cry…

I cry before God, my father, knowing that he has a plan to make all of this ok….. to comfort the little girl and her family as they crawl through this valley with their eyes focused on Him…to show them HOW he loves that little girl even more than they do.

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Today as I prepare Valentine treats and cards, the call came…Her Heart is no longer beating….

 

Comments

  1. beautiful words…even though they are sad ones. you put me to tears…

    • My eyes still tear up as I bed down and rise and worship…as the counter goes off in my mind Day One rising without a daugther’s smile, Day Three of no bedtime stories, Week Two worshiping without child by side…And as I pick up stray toys…Day Ten of orphaned toys sitting idle…My thanksgiving is abundant these days as I remember to stay in the moment, to slow, Eucharisteo! and at the same time I pray for the Mother to be in this moment of mourning with Eucharisteo….

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